Aight, hear me out. Remember waaaaaaaaaay back when you were young, dumb and sexXxy? No? Yeah you do. You remember the invincibility of youth. The moments of pure adrenaline following those dramatic, piss poor decisions. Probably even smiling as you stroll down Memory Lane. I laugh OUT LOUD writing this blog! *sigh* Good times y’all. I remember thinking shit like, “Dawg. I ain’t going out like no vegetable. Family ducking the gig of changing my draws. People gotta feed me and shit…”
Welcome to the dark reality of Multiple Sclerosis. Real talk, it is a distinct possibility for us. Especially when you’re at the progressive stage and everything says it’s downhill from here. Yooooo… I really, REALLY trip on this. My legs are already to the point of 2-3 days per week, I can’t get behind the wheel. *looks around for snitches* If I’m honest, 2-3 days per week, I tickle myself and require multiple showers. 😐 I don’t know what to do with this reality except savagely throw my mantra, GAP, until I calm down. I throw the shit outta my mantra at this reality. I’m damn near out of breath just blogging and trying to process it now! This singular fact is the driving force behind my most depressing thoughts. It’s a chime on my internal motivation, “Make enough money so you can pay someone to do it or…” Come on, no way I’m cool with my wife or kids doing it! I’m grateful that I’ve FINALLY even thought that paying professionals was an option. I will accept whatever name I’m called for this paranoia or fear. Call me coward, scaredy cat, quitter, bring it. What I’m wondering is, am I suicidal or just having regular ol’ fleeting, crazy thoughts?
2 thoughts on “Am I suicidal or just having regular ol’ fleeting, crazy thoughts?”
The thought of being incapacitated and having someone else feed me and change me is scary as hell. I would be, and feel I just became, suicidal, at the thought. BUT, for now, I’m capable, so I’ll enjoy what I can and worry about the other crappy stuff later.
And hopefully when that day comes, I’ll either have outside help, and not be a burden to my boyfriend. Or maybe assisted suicide is legal in my state, and I will have made arrangements to go through with that.
But then, do I really want to go to Hell for committing suicide, even though my quality of life sucks? Ugh! So many things to think about!
Yooooo. See, #YouGetIt! 🖤💪🏾🙏🏾 I have definitely gotten stronger since this post of 2 years ago. Once I got serious with Gratitudes, my entire perspective changed. I know my value, see my worth. I know my purpose is helping others and my passion? STORYTELLING!